How to Help a Friend Who's Stressed, Anxious, or Feeling Frustrated

Recently, someone I care deeply about texted me this:

Feeling extra stressed, anxious, frustrated, and mad today.

So much of what I’ve been learning and feeling and reading suddenly rushed to my head as I tried to prepare the best response to this rare moment of vulnerability.

For those of you who’ve been in a similar situation where you’ve had to respond to someone’s genuine outreach for support, I’ve gathered all that I’ve learned over the last year about how to actually be helpful. Obviously you know your friend the best, but here’s what I’ve learned that I think works well with my friends.

Cognitive Empathy

Brene Brown defines Cognitive Empathy as “the ability to recognize and understand another person’s emotions, sometimes known as perspective taking or mentalizing”. And it’s the best way to provide support. The opposite is called “affective empathy” which is essentially “experience sharing” or tying one’s own emotional attunement with another person’s experience.

Here’s an excerpt from her book Atlas to the Heart:

Theresa Wiseman's Attributes of Empathy:Perspective taking: What does that concept mean for you? What is that experience like for you?Staying out of judgment: Just listen, don't put value on it.Recognizing emotion: How can I touch within myself something that helps me identify and connect with what the other person might be feeling? Check in and clarify what you are hearing. Ask questions.Communicating our understanding about the emotion: Sometimes this is elaborate and detailed, and sometimes this is simply, "Shit. That's hard. I get that."Practicing mindfulness (from Kristin Neff): This is not pushing away emotion because it's uncomfortable, but feeling it and moving through it.

Tips for Your Response

First and foremost, you want to let them know that you care and that you’re here to listen. Sometimes when dealing with emotions like stress, anxiety, and frustration, they just need someone to listen and not necessarily someone to give advice.

If your friend is feeling stuck, here are some prompts that could help them get unstuck or at least get a conversation started:

1. What would be the most helpful right now?
2. What can you control and what can’t you control in this situation?
3. What would help you feel less stuck?
4. What do you need right now to feel stronger? Some rest? A good meal? A workout?

Hopefully that’s a good start, and enough for them to open up a little more. If they’re not ready to open up past letting you know that they’re feeling this way, being available and ready to listen might just be exactly what they need in the moment.